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Archive for the ‘Kinda Funny’ Category

But, Really Your Honor
by: Colette Calapristi Casey
©2014

The courtroom was practically empty, but that’s not unusual for Monday Night Court in Jackson County Mississippi. You had your bums who got rolled or tried to roll another bum, an occasional hooker, the drug addicts, but this. This was something different.

My most interesting night happened to be in the winter of 1999. This was an ordinary night except for the case of the “evils” as I called them. These three men were brought before the judge to plead their case in a traffic incident. Now traffic cases are usually short and sweet, but this one captured the interested of the whole state of Mississippi by time it was over.

The problem was that one was blind , one was deaf and one was mute. Now I know to all ya’ll I sound as if I am the epitome of politically incorrect, but I swear on my Mother’s bible it is the truth.

Now these good ole boys were well into their 80’s and had been best friends since they were knee high to a grasshopper. This friendship was, I guess you could say, symbiotic. Now according to them they were perfectly healthy in their younger years, but as time took its toll, death took their wives and age took their health, they found they still had each other. The problem was that they had this crazy thought in their heads that they could still drive. So, they devised a system. Whenever they went somewhere, the one who could see, and I use that term loosely, would get behind the wheel of the car. Now, keep in mind this fella was deaf as a doorpost. So the other fella, who was blind, would listen for noises and our mute friend, well unfortunately, he was left with panicking in the back seat.

What ended up happening is that one would make crazy hand gestures for horns and sirens. However, the last siren was the one that stuck. The police officer didn’t pull them over because they were deaf, blind and dumb, but because when these three old fellas would communicate they would start swerving all over the road ‘cause the deaf one would be watching the blind one, trying to figure out what was going on and our mute friend would be trying to “help” them. So what you saw from inside their car, were flailing arms and crazy shouts, crazy driving and a thankful community that they never ran anyone over.

The funny thing about this case was that although these three had been friends for life, they had made their own way in the world and had done pretty good for themselves. Two of the men had retired long ago, but the third kept on going. He was able to keep on going because he was our State Senator.

It is amazing how long a Congressman can serve when many are forced to retire or must find a second job after they retire. But, I digress.

So when these three gentlemen came into night court, the politician was wearing a lovely woman’s raincoat.

I surveyed this motely crew and tried to wonder why our illustrious Senator wouldn’t just hire a car or a Taxi.

“Sirs, you are being charged with reckless driving.”

“Reckless driving? I wrote the LAW on reckless driving!” Our Senator shouted. Because he was deaf. He couldn’t tell how loud he was.

“Really, sir, it is just a misunderstanding.” His blind friend pleaded while looking sincerely at the lamp behind me.

The mute friend just put his hand to his forehead while shaking his head back and forth.

“Alright fellas. I’m not here to argue with you, but Senator, can you tell me why you are wearing a woman’s yellow raincoat?”

“Don’t you be pickin’ on my friend here!” Senator William Daniels shouted.

I looked at him perplexed. The conversation with the deaf man was not working well.

“Oh crap. Ah, that would be my fault. When that policeman got us out of our truck it was rainin’. I had a coat. Joe here had a coat , but Billy here ain’t got nothing. I forgot I kept Bessie’s coat back there and thought I had grabbed one of my coats. We always looked out for each other. It’s just what we do. I didn’t want Billy gettin’ sick.“

The Senator watched as his friend explained the situation catching only bits and pieces of the conversation, but I could tell he got was his buddy was saying.

“You got a problem with a friend lookin’ after a friend here buddy?” Shouting. Again.

I summed up these three men. See no evil, hear no evil and speak no evil. These guys had something I hope to have when I get to be their age. I hope I am blessed with a friend who’ll be my ears, a friend who will be my voice and a friend who will dress me in a woman’s yellow raincoat, because he cares.

Prompt:
A courtroom
A politician
A yellow raincoat
Winter 1999

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corks

Let’s Make a Deal
by: Colette Calapristi Casey
©2014

John watched as the salesman’s face turned from friendly to menacing. His whole demeanor changed, but he wondered if it was just instant buyer remorse or something else.

The overweight salesman who only a moment ago was all smiles leaned into John. “Now you know this is an enforceable contract?”

John pulled back. “Of course. This isn’t the first time I’ve bought a car.” John knew this guy was stupid, but now he believed he was seeing just how stupid.

The salesman leaned back in his chair and stacked his legs up on the desk. “Yes, but I told you, we were a special kind of car dealer. You recall our name don’t you?”

John scoffed. He knew it was “Friendly Used Cars” for the longest time and didn’t even pay attention to the sign when he pulled in. “Yeah, I heard you guys changed it, but I didn’t really pay attention. I just know you’ve been here forever, so I figured it was as good as place as any to pick up a good used car.”

The salesman lit up a cigar and rocked back in his chair. “Oh sure, we’ve been here going on 50 years. We’ve sold a lot of cars to a lot of satisfied customers in this town, but you know we just kept doing our best to get folks in the right cars. We went above and beyond on almost every sorry piece of scrap we accepted in trade-in. Like that little car you brought in today. I saw the homemade bodywork, noticed the brakes were gone and you put in additive to hide the knocking in the engine. But we still gave you a great car in return with a high trade in.”

John rolled his eyes. He was wondering what this guy was getting at because he had already signed the deal. “So, if you knew my car had so many problems, why did you make just a great deal? The way I see it, you made the decision to make the deal. I just took it. That’s it.”

The salesman puffed on his cigar and chuckled. “Yes sir I did. And, we here at Karma motors are well aware of the motivations of certain people. “

John raised a brow. “Certain people?”

The salesmen took his feet off the desk and leaned over making and holding eye contact with John.

“Yes sir. Certain people like yourself. People who think they’re smarter than everyone else. People who don’t care what they leave behind in their wake. You sir, have just that kind of reputation.

John kept eye contact and started laughing at the man. “Are we done here?”

The salesman leaned back again. “Almost. I just ask that you read the fine print at the bottom of our Karma Motors contract.”

John put on his glasses and noted the fine print at the bottom of page 3. The print on this document but was especially small. He pulled it closer and began to read.

“This document constitutes a binding contract between John Ulrich and Karma Motors.”

John looked up at the salesmen. “Wow, didn’t realize you guys have custom contracts.”
The salesman nodded. “Keep reading.”

“Any deviation from this amendment to the contract will result in immediate and impactful consequences. You’re Karma has now been activated. If any of the following conditions are not met, Karma will be activated:
1.) Lying to people out of malice
2.) Manipulating others for fun
3.) Treating others as if you are superior or smarter
4.) Taking credit for others ideas
5.) Not completing an obligation and then blaming others.

All items are under the contract and enforceable as signed by the above parties. If you violate any of the above conditions, you will receive exact Karma tenfold for each item including:
1.) Others will lie to you
2.) Others will manipulate you
3.) Others will treat you like you are stupid
4.) Others will take your ideas
5.) Others will blame you for their shortcomings.

Have a nice day.”

John looked up at the salesman and laughed. “You can’t honestly be serious.”

The salesman smiled. “Try me.”

John grabbed the keys to his new car and stood up from his chair.

“You need mental help buddy or you have a large deficiency in the brain department.” John said to the salesman.

The salesman smiled. “Ah, thank you. It’s always best to get the proof out of the way on the first day.”

“In here gentlemen!”

Two hospital orderlies came into the salesman’s office and proceeded to put John into a strait-jacket.

“What the hell? You can’t do this!!” shouted John.

The orderlies smiled. “There now buddy, we have a court order just came in. Said you are in need of psychiatric evaluation. Just for 24 hours and you’ll be fine. Not to worry, we’ll take care of you.”

John screamed as the orderlies carried him out the front door and into the waiting ambulance.

The salesman stood at the window waving goodbye to his satisfied customer. The owner of the car dealership came up behind him and patted him on the back.

“Now that was a good sale today Bob. That one will make a lot of folks happy.”

Bob turned to his boss. “We’ll we do what we can to make the world a little better place.”

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Reproduction 101
by: Colette Calapristi Casey
©2014

It wasn’t so much the creaking from every joint in my body that distracted me, but the constant jabbering from Luellen, my neighbor.

“So, then I says to him, who do you think you are that you can ignore me like that? Do you know how to talk to a lady or not? And you know what? He didn’t answer at all! And then I knew. I knew he was nothing but trash. Trash that needed to be taken to the dump. Susie? Susie? Are you even listening to me?”

I turned away from my task at hand to see her staring at me across the fence.

“Yes, yes Luellen, I heard you. I’m sorry. I must have been distracted.”

“Well, of course you’re distracted dearie, you’ll be having a little one of your own stomping around her soon enough.”

Luellen was right. I was only about a week or two away from my blessed event but it seemed like a million years. I tried as I might to keep my joints lubed, but the strain of the little one was taking its toll. Even with the added weight, I was having trouble containing my excitement of what my world would be like with the little addition.

Luellen piped up again. “Sooooo…have you thought about a school? I’ve heard the one in Antares is perfect for the artsy ones. And then there’s Archimedes which you know is for those little big brains.”

Luellen threw her head back snorting and laughing.

“Yes, Luellen, those are all great choices, I just don’t want him or her to be so far away from us”

“Oh dearie! It’s good for them you know! It teaches them independence and a self-sufficiency they wouldn’t have if they stayed around here. You’d always want to be stepping in and fixing things up. It’s just our nature you know.”

I felt stiffness in my back and picked up the tin watering can. I had been using it more and more lately. It seemed the perfect pot to carry my lubricant. I brought it around my back and let the soothing liquid flow over my seam.

“Oh honey, you should go back to your charging station. I can tell you are needing a little break here!”

Luellen was right. Our lifecycle design was only good for one reproduction and I was coming up on mine. I wish I knew why we could only have one, but our creators left our planet long before I was produced. But I guess I should be happy, not every robot had the opportunity to reproduce. There were some robots that only swept our floors or built our cars. They never had the chance to learn. Artificial Intelligence was never installed in them. It’s quite sad really. I still can’t calculate why we have this ability to learn but we can’t surpass our life cycle. So, for now. I will keep my tin watering can near me, look at the galaxies that might train up my reproduction and be thankful that I can…speak.

Prompt:
In another galaxy
A talking robot
A tin watering can
Excited.

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