Archive for the ‘Kinda Funny’ Category

Central Park foliage photo-walk, Nov 2009 - 10A Couple of Buds©.
by: Colette Calapristi Casey

Hey, hey Jonesie good mornin’ to ya buddy. It’s another beautiful day ain’t it?

Oh yeah, you know it Smithie. How’d you rest last night Buddy?

Well probably about the same as you, you know. Getting kind a chilly around here at night lately.

Yeah, yeah, I know what ‘cha mean. Not like when we was little eh? It seemed like an endless summer.

Yeah, I hear ya Jonsie, I hear ya. Haha back then we were a couple of little buds weren’t we?

Haha, the whole neighborhood was green, weren’t we back then? Seems like a lifetime ago.

Yeah, yeah, we sure were. Now everything’s changing. We aren’t so green anymore are we?

Naw, naw Jonesie, we’re gettin’ on. And ya know? The neighborhood just ain’t the same either. Everybody is just takin’ off. We’ll end up the last ones hangin’ in there at this point.

Yeah, soon we’ll be goin’ with the rest of ‘em. It’s just life ya know?

Yeah, yeah, I’m feelin old Jonsie. I’m feelin’ old. I don’t feel as strong as I used to, I can’t get enough to drink and hell, I don’t even want to drink. It’s like it’s my time.

I hear ya say it. I hear ya. Oh Smithie, I ain’t feelin’ so great right now. I’m getting’ really weak.

No! Jonsie No! Don’t let go! There ain’t many of us left, you can do it—you can hold on!

I can’t, I can’t bro! Sorry, but I gotta gooooooooo……

Jonsie! Jonsie! Nooooooooo

The Central Park Gardner pulled up the maintenance truck under the giant oak. He hopped out and pulled the rake out of the back of the truck. He began raking leaves as more fell. It was a beautiful Autumn day.


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Morning came earlier than usual thanks to the antics of Chester the Tabby of the House. Chester hoped up on the bed and started purring around Jason’s chin. When that didn’t work, he went under the covers and pressed his paws back and forth against Jason’s chest.

Jason pushed Chester away and rolled over to the other side, pulling his blankets with him, leaving Chester exposed. The persistent feline was not one to take no for and answer and hopped over Jason and proceeded to rub his entire body across Jason’s face.

“Chester….nooooo.” Jason’s voice was groggy.

‘purrrrrrpurrrrpurrrr’Chester responded more enthusiastically.

Jason sighed and opened his eyes to a face full of fur. He placed his hand on the cat and then gently moved him away.

Jason was a young man of 29, handsome and fit. He sat up in bed and rested his feet on the hardwood floor of his bedroom. He squinted his eyes open, rolled his tongue in his mouth and looked at the sunrise coming through the east window. He scratched his head and looked over at the Tabby.

“Well, I guess now’s as good as time as any to get up, right Chester?” Jason put his hand atop of the cat who was now purring at full speed and enjoying every minute of attention.

“Let’s get something to eat. Ok?”

Response: Purr and a plunk down from the bed. Chester trotted toward the kitchen with the full expectation that Jason would follow. And, he did.

Jason went to the coffee maker and got it going. He opened a can of cat food, plopped it into Chester dish, and got that going.

While Chester devoured his breakfast Jason went over to the couch to lay down. It was only a few minutes before Jason could feel Chester walking across him.

“Chester! What do you want? Can you just leave me alone buddy?”

Chester walked closer to Jason who felt the Tabby’s paws move closer to his face. He shot up, grabbed the cat and put him on the floor. The cat jumped up and sat at his feet.
Jason groaned. “Leave, me, alone.”

“I do believe that is not an option at this time. You have forced my hand son and I must oblige.”

Jason sat up straight and looked around the room. He got up and started checking the bedrooms, bathrooms and nooks and crannies of his New York Apartment.

“Who’s there!” Jason shouted.

“Who do ya’ll think?” said the voice.

Jason turned and ran toward the living room.

“I’ve got a gun, whoever you are and I suggest you get out of here right away!” Jason declared.

“Now don’t go lyin’. You ain’t got no gun Jason.” Chester turned his face to Jason. And smiled.

Jason stood there staring at his pet who was sitting on the couch matter-of-factly.

“You gonna stare at me all day boy? You know you forced my hand don’t you now?” Chester said casually.

“Holy crap. Chester? When did you start talking?” Jason was started to shake and sat down in the recliner across from the couch and started directly at the cat.

“I’ve always been able to talk, but didn’t need to.” Chester rolled his eyes.

Jason was eyeing Chester as if watching a pot boil. Waiting for the next movement.

“So, so why are you talking now? Oh God, I’m losing my mind aren’t I? I’m crazy!” Jason dropped his face into his hands and started rambling.

Chester jumped off the couch and glided over to Jason. He sat at his feet.

“Listen son, I don’t want to make a habit of this…you know the talkin’ business, so let’s get to the point.”

Jason looked up from his hands and stared at Chester.

“Chester why do you sound like you’re from the south?”

Again Chester rolled his eyes. “Are you from New York City? Naw you’re not are you? Don’t assume I’m from here just because you got me here. Remember you ‘rescued me.’ I had a life before you.

Jason stood blankly. “uhhhh…”

“Super, now that we are all situated, we need to chat. I’m only gonna say this once. I like you. I like living here. I kinda enjoy your company. Aw shoot, let’s face it, I can’t wait until you get home. Now, I know you’ve gone and hit a rough spot. But hey, it happens to everyone. I know you lost your girlfriend, but I lost my whole dog-gone family. I know you lost your job, but heck boy, I lost my home. My days of running around the barn in Virginia are long gone. So, how I see it. you got yerself a place to live and your not too dumb for a human. You just let life kick ya down. I’m here to tell ya, get back up son. You lost a job. Go and get yerself a new one. You lost a woman. Well, you know what, I never liked her anyway. She had cat allergies. That should have told you right off, that she wasn’t right for you. Now, go get yerself a good woman. It’s all up to you, but it ain’t coming to you without you getting’ yer butt up off of that couch. Got me?”

Jason’s look of shock had turned to one of intensity. He nodded. “Yeah, yeah, I got it. You’re right Chester. You’re right.”

“Yea, you bet your sweet patooty. Now, can we please stop this nonsense son?”

Jason nodded again. “Yes sir. I mean Chester.”

Chester smiled and stretched his front paws forward while raising his hindquarters. “Aww good, I don’t want to have to do this meow.” Chester rolled over on the couch.

Jason got on his knees and looked into Chester’s eyes. “Chester, I have one more question.”

Chester rolled back over and faced Jason. “meeoowww, meeooww, purrrrr,” was Chester’s response.

Jason took a step back and stared his Cat who had rolled up into a cozy corner of the couch, yawned and closed his eyes for his mid-morning nap.

One week later, Jason threw open the door to his apartment and yelled for Chester. “You did it Chester! You did it! I’ve got another job!” Jason found the cat laying on his bed and started rubbing under his chin and ears. Chester snuggled into Jason’s affections and then whispered, “Now get yerself a woman Son.”

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Yo Quiero

by: Colette Calapristi Casey
© 2014 taco

I laid awake all night with my stomach churning and my fever burning. I couldn’t explain it, but something just wasn’t right. I was beginning to regret my yo quiero taco craving at 1 a.m. this morning.

I remember tossing and turning and then finally falling asleep around 8:00 a.m. this morning. When I woke up, I freaked out when I saw the clock. It said 8:30…PM. I had slept like twelve hours or something.

I had to say this. I was feeling a whole lot better than last night. That is except for one thing, I was more freaking hungry than I could remember. First, I needed a shower because to be honest, I still kind of felt like death warmed over.

After my shower, I got dressed and went into the TV room. My buddy John was passed out on the couch. Maybe those tacos didn’t agree with him either because he looked like the flippin’ walking dead or something.

I kicked him with my foot. “Dude!”

He groaned.

I kicked him again. “DUDE! It’s night. We slept the whole day man!”

John groaned some more then opened his eyes. I just about crapped my pants. His eyes were freaky.

“Whaaaaaaaa.” John managed to say. He was really more messed up then me. That’s for sure.

“Hey man, there’s somethin’ seriously wrong with your eyes dude. Looks like they’re white or something. They aren’t blue no more.”

John looked at me then his eyes got really big and crazy. He stood up and stared at me and started freaking out. He raised his arm, but kind of slow.

“You! You look like crap! You’re eyes are supposed to be brown man!”

John stood there, pointing at me, staring at me and all I could think of was how creepy he looked.

“Your eyes man. Your eyes are supposed to be brown!” John’s voice was kind of slurred, but for some reason, I could understand him perfectly.

“What the heck you talking about man?”

“Go look! And, you’re like slurring a lot. Are you high on Nightquil or something?”

John was following me into my bedroom where my dresser mirror was. I turned to look back at him. “Dude, pick up your feet.”

I walked into my bedroom, but my feet felt kinda heavy too. Me and John stood in front of the mirror and honestly, we looked like friggin’ death.

“What do you remember?” I asked John quickly. Well, it felt quickly but seemed to take a long time to say it.

“Uhh, I remember tacos, then coming back here. Being really sick then falling asleep. Don’t remember anything else until you kicked me. Oh and yeah, I’m starving!”

“We should go see one of those doc in a box minor emergency places. Maybe we caught something nasty.”

John nodded and agreed. We both started toward the apartment door. It seemed to take longer than I remember.

Once we got outside I saw my car, but couldn’t remember how to drive it. No matter. Me and John figured the walk would do us good.

On our way to Main Street we passed a couple other freaky people. A few folks pointed at us and screamed. When I saw those screamers, I got hungrier.

I looked at John. He shrugged. “I’m starving man.”

I agreed with him. Me too. Matter of fact, every time I saw one of those screamers, it felt like I hadn’t eaten in like, months.

By time we reached the Minor Emergency clinic there were a few other folks hanging around. I thought it was weird because all the folks in the clinic were staring at us from inside.

Outside, there were like all the people who worked at Taco Bravo’s, then a bunch of people who were at the restaurant last night when we were there. There were a bunch of other people as well that I hadn’t seen before, but we all looked the same.

We all looked at each other, like we were some freak show. That is until we saw the military truck roll in with guns aimed at us. The other people on the street started screaming and again, my stomach lurched and started growling. This was really getting annoying. I looked over at John and he started licking his lips.

I saw the guards jump off the truck and start to round us up. I think we all would have ran, but even though it felt like we were running, we weren’t. A few of us got away including John, but I didn’t. But I really didn’t care.

They took me to this place and started testing me for different stuff. They kept trying to show me Tacos and get a response, but those didn’t look like anything I wanted any more. I looked around the lab and there were all kinds of tacos, the Taco Bravo uniforms and I was beginning to think there might be a connection. I did like the looks of the raw meat for the tacos. Uh.

This went on for like forever. They gave me enough to eat to keep me going, but I was starting to see my skin change and a bunch of other stuff. I wish I cared enough to worry, but they kept me fed, so that’s like all I cared about. I kind of wish all this didn’t happen to me but then I remember it was my idea to make the taco run.

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by: Colette Calapristi Casey
© 2014tumblr_m0aaemzcIv1qik9elo1_500-e1362588021580

Well I’ll be damned. I knew something would happen to me but I never, ever in my 25 years of charters did I ever friggin’ expect this. Shark bite, yeah. Fishing hook stuck to my nose or ear: been there, did that. But this, I never would have guessed it.

I got up this morning feeling kind of faded. Wasn’t sure if it was bad whisky from the night before or just caught some bug. Either way, I had to move it or lose it. My charter that is. Got myself a father and son outing to close out the season. Guy wanted to take his kid out for a real special man-to-man day. Maybe catch some bass, a few strippers and if we were lucky a blue. It was already getting’ pretty cold, even though it was like 50 degrees, the high wind chill made it feel like 35 or 40. It was going to be a cold one today on the water, so I wanted to make sure to have some Hot Chocolate for the kid and coffee for me and the dad. Yeah, that was the plan, but that ain’t how it turned out.

I got up, got dressed and headed out for the marina. I’d get an early start, grab a hot cup of Joe and wait for my money day to start.

So, here’s the story. I pull up to the marina, grab a parking spot, hop out of my truck and start headin’ for the ‘Little Debby’, yeah, I like them, a lot and yeah, I named my boat after them. Hey, don’t judge, lots of people like Little Debby’s.

So anyways, I hop up on board and started checking stuff like the coolers, the fridge, stuff for snacks, that kind of stuff. So I see here, that I’m gonna need some Hot Chocolate after all. Maybe I’ll just get some of those single serve packets. A box will do. So, what do I do? I take off to get some.

I’m walking to the mini-mart at the end of the block and start to notice people freakin’ out around me. One guy was in the park doin’ some weight liftin’ and at first I thought he was havin’ a heart attack or something, cause he starts pointing at me and yelling. I look at what he’s liften’ and it’s maybe 25 pound hand weights at best. Couldn’t help but think this guy was a wimp, if he couldn’t handle those.

Once I figured out he wasn’t having a heart attack or something and he was just yellin’ at me for no reason, then I could give a rats ass.

“Cool your jets!” I yells to him, but he keeps screamin’. He didn’t look like no drug addict, but was sure actin’ like he was on somethin’ that’s for sure.

Another crazy thing happened on my way to the mini-mart. This guy in a big Ford pickup crashes into a telephone poll real close to me. I’m beginning to think that somebody put crazy pills in the water around here or something.

So, like I said, I’m headin’ to the mini-mart and I pass this old blind guy with one of them stick things. He’s walkin’ just fine but his dog starts barking at me.

I tell ya, I was beginning to think it might be me. I mean, I got up, grabbed a warm coat and a hat and gloves on account of the weather. Maybe my coat stunk or somethin’, I hadn’t worn it since last fall.

So I started sniffin’ my coat you know? Like the collar, the inside, the pits, but it smelled normal to me. Ok, so maybe a little fishy, but hey it’s what I do right?

The old guy kept walkin’ past me pullin’ that yappy dog. I’m thinkin’ “see ya, don’t want a be ya.”

Finally I tell ya, FINALLY, I get to the market and head in. It was pretty quiet on account of the time, which is good since people been weird today. So, I find my box of Hot Chocolate and go through checkout.

As usual, got one of them Guidettes behind the counter, filing her nails and reading a “People.” I threw a five on the counter, she picked it up, rang it up and handed me my change without so much as a hello, goodbye, nothin’.

So, here I am, hot chocolate, early morning and things are lookin’ good. The trek back wasn’t so bad. I passed the blind guy and his yappy dog, maybe that dog just always yaps. I don’t know.

Passed a couple joggers lookin’ all healthy and stuff. They were talkin’ to each other and not payin’ me any mind. Which was fine.

Once I get back to the boat I toss the box on the counter in the galley and figure its time to use the head.

Everything goes as usual and then I go to wash my hands. I look up and my first thought is, who stole my mirror? There was nothing there. Then I realized I saw my collar, but no neck or head! I reach up to grab my head and all I see in the mirror are my sleeves. I looked away from my mirror then looked back.

Holy, Ke-rap, I was friggin’ invisible!! My heart started poundin’ like a heart attack or somethin’. I bolt up the stairs to the deck and see the kid and his pop comin’ my way.

So, what do I do? The only thing I can do. I strip down to my birthday suit. Yeah, that’s right, naked as a jaybird and freezin’ my tush off. I had to lay low so’s I can get to a doctor or something.

Well, I tell ya, I froze my arss off for over an hour waitin’ for these two to leave. I felt kinda bad, ‘cause they were lookin’ forward to today, but you know, I’ll make it up to ‘em, give ‘em a freebie or somethin’.

So that brings me here. Yeah, I am now a friggin’ science experiment. I’ll say this about this joint though, they treat ya right. Got a good steak, good whiskey, I really can’t complain. Oh yeah, and their coverin’ my bills for now. Turns out me and the “Little Debby” floated through some pretty nasty stuff. Some old chemical dumping ground off the coast that ruptured or somethin’.

The guys here tell me that they couldn’t find my “Little Debby” until they bumped into her. Seems like she’s sufferin’ from the same thing as me. We’re both invisible. She’s in the other room.

So, here I sit, lettin’ these guys figure things out, because hey, its kinda like a paid vacation. For once, somebody shuttles me around and makes sure I got plenty to eat, I’m warm enough and well, taken care of.

I guess it was bound to end up this way. ‘Cause you see, it was me and the ‘Little Debby’ that dumped some of that crap out there about ten years back. It was good money, wasn’t supposed to be anything bad, but I didn’t check. Didn’t care. Money was good.

You could say my ‘slush fund’ turned into a sludge fund. That’s just awesome.


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By: Colette Calapristi Casey
© copyright 2014

The grab was supposed to be easy: No witnesses, no yelling, neat and tidy with a bow pulled tight around it like a noose. The drop was to take place and Grand Central, no cops, no worries, and the payout my boss said he was owed.
The day started out all right, I tagged Lenny coming out of the Concord apartments on schedule. Lenny would walk that sissy dog, yappin all the way I gotta say, got the coffee, then back up to the digs.

I scoped out my spot by the newsstand and paid the guy filling in for the owner an easy 100 to let me hang out to be able to record the tones on the keypad of the door so I could let myself in. Lenny liked to use the side entrance after getting coffee I guess for the exercise of running the stairs. Geez. No wonder this guy was so skinny. Must have been real ugly too, cause he always had his cap pulled low over his weasel face.

This was my life for 6 weeks. Dog. Coffee. Stairs. Then watching Lenny grab a cab to work. I didn’t know much about this job other than Lenny was in deep with the mob and had to pay up. Over the six weeks, I couldn’t see how the hell the money Lenny supposedly took from the mob was spent. Lenny lived a pretty basic life, no big spending, no clubbing, not much of anything else, just work, dog, repeat.

The day finally came when I saw Lenny leave the apartment. I had parked my car in the ally outside the side door and entered they key code I had Joey the keymaker translate for me. I had been in the stairs a couple times before to get a feel for the space and figured if I stand behind the door I could nail Lenny with the sedative.

Everything went off as planned, I shot Lenny full of the stuff and he started acting like a drunk. Perfect, I could carry his sorry in debt ass out of the building with not so much as a blink from anybody watching.

The hold point wasn’t far from where I snatched him, but it was far enough. A couple blocks over there was this office building getting some renovations and with it came a new parking garage. Boss wanted to find the dough that Lenny had lifted, then once he got that, it was just a matter of a cement bodysuit that blended in nicely with the new garage.

After we get the dough then we did our drop at Grand Central.

I tied up Lenny nice and tight just the way the boss wanted him. But something seemed strange about this guy. I know he looked pretty damn thin but figured he was just a wiry kind of guy what with runnin’ all those damn stairs. Wait a sec. Oh shit. This guy is way to thin for moobs. I felt around again and as soon as I felt ‘em I felt sick, which usually would not be the case on a normal day.

Holy shit, holy shit, holy shit. This Lenny guy’s a chick. Holy shit. How was I supposed to know there were two Lenny Jascowitz’s in NYC.
My luck I snatched the wrong one, not the one with the dough or the…you know. Yeah, who knew?

My boss knew and expected me to know the same-know what I mean?

“Oh…my…god…what is going on.”

Okay, that’s a chick’s voice for sure. I took a step back into the shadows. If I ran, I’d be leavin’ her here for the boss, but that ain’t right, cause she didn’t do nothin’, it was me, it was my fault.


Shit, more groaning. This chick is vocal. I had to think quick ‘cause the guys were expected me to let ‘em know the scoop on the dough.

“Where am I…”

Okay, well hell, she’s coming out of it. I had to think quick and I had to act fast. I reached into my pocket and found my back up syringe. This would buy me some more time, ‘cause I sure as hell needed it.

I came up behind the Lenny-chick and gave her one more boost. I guess with everything that was still in her system, she went right out which was good for me.

Her head fell into the sunbeam and her cap fell off her head. I could finally get a good look at her face. “Holy Shit, now that is the face of an Angel.”

Yeah, I said it out loud. What a knockout. She must be a model or something cause she was gorgeous. Her hair was short, I guess that’s what threw me off and yeah, the whole name thing.

I figured I had to move fast and threw her over my shoulder to get her downstairs and back to her neighborhood.

Lenny-chick was still pretty knocked out but I still had to make like a couple of drunks staggering down the street so’s I could get her back home. I looked at her again. Yeah, Angel face was still there.

It seemed like forever until we got back to her block, but we made it. I set her down by the Park that I used to watch her walk that little dog.

I put on a little act and laughed it up patted her on the back and yelled a drunken goodbye. She would be safe, but I wasn’t so sure about me and boss man.

It was a solid week before I started making my normal rounds again. I knew I had to face the boss man soon and I guess it had to be sooner rather than later.

I came up on his street and walked over to the Midnight Café, which was open 24 hours. The sun was starting to set and I knew the boss would be in back.

I walked past the diners and my favorite waitress Helen. A gorgeous gal, or I be see was like 40 years ago.

“Hey there handsome—haven’t seen you for a while.” Helen and her smokers voice, made her all that much more sexy.

“Yeah, been working a job. He back there?”

Helen nodded. “Sure is. He’s waiting for you.”

I am sure he was. I went into the back room and there he was sitting at his table, with Gus and Vince watching him and me for that matter.

“Where the hell you been?”

“I was working the job Boss, but something happened.”

Boss man started laughing. “yeah something happened. You pinched the wrong guy!”

Well, that’s it. Been nice knowing you folks.

“Yeah, I did Boss. I didn’t know there were two Lenny Jaskowitz’s in the same New York Burrough. “

Boss man started laughing. “Yeah, neither did we! And one was a dame!”

By now, Boss man, Gus and Vince were busting up laughing.

“You know Boss, I tried to find the other Lenny, but he vanished like a ghost or something. Here’s the money you gave me. I can do any other job you want, you let me know and you don’t even have to pay me.”

Boss man looked up at me and smiled. “You know, your mother was always good to me and she raised a good boy with you. But, I gotta tell ya kid, I don’t think your so good at this line of work. What you say I put you in one of my shops. I think you would fit better in that line of work.”

Was I hearing correctly? Boss wasn’t gonna wipe me out? I could still work for him and not screw up?

“Yeah, yeah boss, anything you say.”

Boss man smiled. “You know kid, you come from good stock. Your mother was a saint and stepped in for me after my blessed mother left this earth. So you my friend are what we call a brother from another mother. Now get outta here.”

I thanked him again and headed out the door with nothing but relief written all over me.

First I was going to Ma’s house and giving her a big hug and a kiss. Then I was going to get a good night’s rest. In the morning, I’m getting up, heading over to a coffee shop where a girl named Lenny walks her dog.

Prompt: “You work for the mob and you kidnap the wrong guy.”

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shoeClothes Horse
by: Colette Calapristi Casey
© copyright 2014

“Really? Seriously? You think I need a makeover? My heart raced as I stood there looking into the eyes of my fiancé Freddy and the TV stars from “What Not to Wear.”

While Freddy was just a mere 5-6 inches shorter than me he seemed to get shorter the longer I stared at him.

The TV stars laughed and clapped. “Ah come on Emma, don’t you want to try something new? The new Fall Fashions are right on trend with classic styles you can wear for a long time. Trust us; you’ll look great after we’re done with you.”

The camera man moved in closer which made me want to punch him even more. I turned and stared him down until he sheepishly backed up to whence his skinny butt came.

“Emma, honey, I thought you’d get a kick out of this. You’re always talking about how much you like this show.” Freddy’s voice was wavering.

“Of course I like the show Freddy. I like it because I can’t believe the way people dress and I honestly believe that they are getting the help THEY need, not ME!”

The TV stars looked at each other. Yeah, you better be looking to get out of here.

The brunette came closer to me and touched my arm. “Now Emma, Freddy loves you very much and thought you’d enjoy this experience.”

If she couldn’t see my nostrils flair then she must be blind. Did that stop her? Nope!

“Come on Emma, we’re going to take a look at your wardrobe. I think a new perspective is in order.”

The other TV host rolled out a long Wardrobe rack that contained all my favorite clothes.

THAT woman gave me one of THOSE looks.

“Emma. Seriously. Where’s the funeral?”

I really, really wanted to belt her.

“Everything here is black. You have black pants, black shirts, sweaters jackets, tank tops…and these…”

“Those are my pajamas. What’s wrong with those?” I couldn’t figure out how anyone could pick on a pair of pajamas.

“Emma, its black sweatpants and a black sweatshirt.” THAT woman and her friend started laughing at me. Hell, even the camera guy chuckled. He thought I couldn’t hear him.

Freddy walked up to me shyly. I like that about him. He was gentle and loving but boy did he overstep his boundaries. He’s going back that’s for sure!

As the day wore on I was subjected to more of their opinions on my wardrobe and had to view all the great “Fall Fashion” they thought would look good on me.

What they didn’t get was that I like Black. I’ve liked black forever. It’s the miracle color. It hides absolutely everything. More than you’d even imagine.

Soon, the host came out with a white “day dress” with a shiny metallic design along the collar.

“Does it come in black?” I asked.

By now the Hollywood yahoos’ patience was starting to wear thin. I like that because the more worn down they get; the sooner I could get rid of them.

“Sweetheart, I think it is a beautiful dress and you would look great in it.”

“Freddy, I’m not so sure I’m liking you so much right now. You’ve always been mousey, but this is way beyond you.”

Freddy backed away to where he was sitting.

The British host finally spoke up. I was beginning to think he was a prop. “Now, now Miss Emma, Freddy here’s a good bloke, he only wanted what was best for you.”

“Best for me? How does he know what’s best for me? How do you know? You don’t even know me. You two are nothing more than a couple of clothes horse and your camera guy is a flipping Hyena. Freddy over there, well, he’s just a mouse! I’ve had enough of all of you insulting me, laughing at me and ruining my century.”

The flow came through me so fast this time I couldn’t contain it. I had held it back for so many years trying to live normally, but it just couldn’t be held down. I felt the enchantment come from the depths of my soul. The life force swirled around me as the furniture tipped over, papers flew and the chandelier swayed. I knew I’d have to start over again, but what the heck. It wouldn’t have been the first time.

As my arms returned to their sides, my hair fell back upon my shoulders and silence returned, I heard the first of my efforts.

I opened my eyes and as expected, there were two horses, one hyena and a mouse wandering about my living room.

Well, I always warned Freddy that if he got me mad, I’d turn into a real witch.

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“Baby Blues”

Blue-Flower-Transparent1Baby Blues
by: Colette Calapristi Casey
Rain fell quietly on the windshield of Martha’s baby blue Buick Riviera as she crept down Main Avenue at lunchtime. Over the years, her hair had grayed, her skin, well, fallen, she had gotten quite shorter and it was becoming more difficult to see over the steering wheel. Her feet barely touched the foot pedals and as such, Martha thought it would be prudent to take her time and control the vehicle vs. getting there in a hurry. To anyone driving behind her, she might have been mistaken as a cotton ball on a human body.

Onlookers were sure that she was not aware of their gasps and head shakes as she passed them, however they quickly realized she might be more alert than originally thought when a Denali that had been on her bumper for the last two miles finally passed her. Martha could see the dirty looks from the passenger in the truck in her side mirror as they came up alongside her. Martha quietly and without anger stuck her hand out of the window and proceeded to give the passer-by the bird.

The passenger in the Denali, a young woman of about 30, grew agitated. Her eyes widened and her lips disappeared and a look of rage came over her face. Martha watched the show in her mirror and smiled.

The Denali slowed so that it was now side by side with the Riviera and the passenger rolled down her window to address Martha’s gesture.

“Get off the road you old bat!” was shouted from the vehicle and then in retaliation an arm bolted from the window with their own bird of paradise. “Screw you!” came from the Denali as they sped ahead of her.

Martha giggled and ever so quietly spoke in her old lady voice, “Have a nice day douchebags,” loud enough so that only she could hear it. Her heart was racing a little bit faster and the grin on her face indicated she may or may not be enjoying this.

As she steered the Riviera into the mobile phone store lot, she made sure to take up two spaces in the handicap parking. Once parked, she reached for her pocketbook on the floor next to her and started sifting through it.

Although she was well into her 80’s she still had an interest in new and shiny things, because unfortunately, that was all she had left. Two husbands had long since died, childhood friends and the neighbors she raised her children with, also gone. There really was no one else except for her online friends.

The door to the Riviera swung wide as her 5 foot frame turned to exit the vehicle. She grabbed her cane, closed the baby blue car door and proceeded inside the store.

“Hello Martha! You are back to see us so soon?” said Henry Johnson, the store manager and surrogate son. “What can I help you with today sweetheart?”

Martha walked over to Henry with her purse over her arm and her flip phone in her hand.

“Henry, I believe it is time for me to start dating again.” Martha noted matter a factly.

Henry’s eyebrows raised and his mouth opened just a bit in the unexpected that was Martha’s visit.

“You don’t say Martha.” Henry responded.

“Yes Henry. It’s time. I’ve got my profile up on match.com and am waiting for some new boyfriends to contact me. It’s been a while you know, but I think I may have a few good years left in me.”

“Well….ahh…yes, Martha you do. I’d say you do have at least a few years. What can I do you for today sweetheart?”

“Now, I just want to say, you have been great. I know I’m in here a lot with you showing me all these fancy features on my phone, but I think I’m ready for one of them smartphones. Do you have those here?”

Henry smiled and then chuckled. “Yes, Martha we do. Do you have an idea of which one you would like?”

“Well you know Henry, I’m not that picky, I just need to check my emails for any possible boyfriends and also to answer my phone and oh yes, that match.com said that they have an app that I can download. So I will need you to set me up and add that app. They said it was free, so you can’t charge me for it.”

Martha presented her flip phone to Henry, who took the phone politely. “Oh Martha, dear, you never cease to amaze me. I will get you set up. Go and have a seat in our waiting area and I’ll be with you in a couple of minutes.

Martha meandered over to the nice little sitting area adorned with red couches, a coffee table full of magazines like PC World, People and Martha Stewart. She sat down on the couch and stared at the young woman across from her.

“You married?” Martha blurted.

The young woman in her 20’s looked up from her magazine to see Martha looking directly at her.

“Pardon me?” the woman asked.

“I said, are you married?” Martha repeated.

The woman, looking amused, yet uncertain responded simply, “No ma’am.”

“Why not?” Martha did not miss a beat.
The woman who at first was amused was now not amused.

“I don’t believe that is any of your business ma’am.” She responded politely.

“No, it isn’t you are correct, but when you have lived as long as I have, you don’t waste time with pleasantries. You’re a beautiful woman. Do you think you’re too good for a man?”

The woman was now becoming upset. She closed her magazine and excused herself from the conversation.

Martha was simple in her response. “Goodbye!” She started to tap her foot and look around for Henry. She didn’t like having to wait.

After some time had passed, a young man came into the waiting area and plopped down on the chair to the right of Martha, whipped out his phone and started playing games. His hair was jet black and fell half way across his face. His eyebrows, nose and lips were pierced and he was sporting to large round discs in his ears.

“You from Africa? One of those tribe people?” Martha blurted.

The man did not respond, he continued playing his game oblivious.

“Hey, you. Why do you have holes in your head? Are you from Africa?” Martha asked again.

This time the man looked up and realized that the annoying voice disrupting his game was coming from this little old woman.

“ummmm, Sorry ma’am, no I’m not from Africa. These are just piercings.” He smiled with his answer.

“Oh. You look like some of those pictures I have seen in National Geographic.”

The man laughed. “Yes Ma’am, I can see how you might think that. Don’t be worried about these, it’s just how I am.”

Martha cocked her head. “Why are you like that then? Why do you need to wear these things. You could be a good looking man without all that metal in your face.”

The man laughed again. “So you don’t think I’m good looking? I have some friends who might disagree.”

Martha smiled. “So you have friends. That’s good. A young man your age should have friends. Are you married?”

The man shut off the video game and popped the phone back in his pocket.

“Why yes ma’am. I have a beautiful wife and a baby girl.” The man smiled warmly at Martha.

“Well, you seem like a nice young man. Is your baby girl afraid of the way you look?”
Martha leaned in to get a better look at the man.

“No ma’am. She just knows me as Daddy.” He smiled again. “Now I have a question for you. Are you married?”

Martha’s eye’s widened and then a smile crept across her face. “No. I am not married, but I was married. I married my first husband in 1954. We had three beautiful children together, but they never call me anymore. He passed in….” Martha touched her finger to her chin. “He passed in 1990. Was a good man. Then I got married again in 1991 to another good man. We were only together 10 years before the Lord called him home.” Martha lowered her eyes and smiled. “Yes, both good men.”

The man leaned forward to Martha. “You are a lucky lady to find forever love twice in a lifetime.”

Martha sat up out of her melancholy, “I’ll be married again soon though. I signed up on match.com”

The man smiled. “Match.com? Really?”

Martha nodded. “Yes, there are not many men my age out there, but I’m not against dating a younger man say in his 70’s or early 80’s.” Martha squinted at the man and then winked.

The man started laughing. “I’m sure you will meet someone soon!”

Just then the salesman came up to the man with a box in hand. “Here you go sir, the phone is all set up for your wife.”

The man thanked him and then turned to Martha. “Good luck ma’am on your adventure.”

Martha looked up at him with her baby blue eyes which were twinkling by now. “Thank you sir, I will. Good luck to you as well with that wife and baby.”

The man nodded to Martha and walked away turning once to give Martha another smile.

Martha grew more impatient now that there was no one left to talk to. She began turning her head from side to side trying to find Henry. She gave up looking for him and tried another tactic. “Henry! What is taking you so long?” She shouted.
Within a couple of minutes, Henry came around the corner with the cell phone in his hand.

“Martha, I’m sorry it has taken me a while. I have a couple things for you. First of all, here is your phone.”

Martha stood up and with her cane went to meet Henry who was holding her brand new iPhone.

“Martha, you’ll need to learn how to use this and I’m actually giving a lesson to another customer in about five minutes. So if you are not too busy, you can wait and I can show you both at the same time.” Henry smiled.

Martha mulled the prospect over. “Will you talk to me until your customer gets here?”

Henry smiled. “Of course.”

“Well then, ok.”

The two made small talk until an elderly gentleman came up and tapped Henry on the shoulder. “Is this her?” The old man shouted.

Henry’s face blushed.

Martha stared at the older man. “You the other customer?” She shouted back at him.

Henry broke in. “Dad, I’d like you to meet one of my favorite people, this is Martha. Martha, I’d like you to meet my Dad, Gus Johnson.”

The two, each working a cane, came towards each other.

“How old are you? Are you married?” Martha asked.

Gus responded. “How old are you? Are you married?”

Both Gus and Martha started talking over each other, “ 79, 86, no, no, not married.”

“Good. Y ou’re younger than me. I should outlive you.” Martha quipped.

Gus smiled. “I like your spunk.”

The two looked each other over and then his baby blues and her baby blues met.

“Okay then. You can be my new boyfriend.”

Mobile phone store
A lonely old lady

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